Monday, February 21, 2011

I hate depression

I'm depressed again. I don't know when it started but I'm fully entrenched in it now. I don't want to get out of bed, I'm irritable, I don't shower everyday, I go to work grudgingly, I don't enjoy my hubby like I should, I don't enjoy much of anything. I'm unhappy with my body (I've gained weight recently) and hate choosing what to wear in the morning, yet I don't want to workout. I'm tired of picking up the house. I've been struggling with the issue of childbearing (see previous post) and the sadness that comes with my decision not to have a child. I'm moody. There is nothing there when it comes to intimacy either. On the weekends, I sleep a lot and don't bother to get dressed. Lately I'm not even brushing my teeth. Ugh. It's affecting my relationship in so many ways that I'm concerned, yet I feel powerless to do anything. It takes so much energy and work...

Some days are better than others, but I inevitably want to do nothing by the end of the day but go to bed and forget everything.

I recently went off one of my meds thinking that I don't need it all year. I was taking lamictal to supplement the Cymbalta when I go through my yearly depression in August. Figuring this phase only happens then, why should I take yet another drug that I might not need except for a brief period each year. I've been off for at least a month after tapering down. Today I took my first dose to see if it will help (doc ok'd this strategy).

Depression has been with me since I was a teen. My dad has it - might even be bipolar. Is it genetic? Is it related to EDS? Is it just me? I've had two major depressive episodes in my life, with one ending up in the hospital (checked myself in; slipped through the cracks in the medical system - long story). I've been on some sort of med since 1999, but it seems my body is able to defeat the effectiveness of it. I know I need to seek counseling, but it takes so much effort to find someone that fits right. How many therapists have I seen in my life - too many. I know from experience, though, that the combo of meds and therapy are the most effective for me. It can't be too inconvenient for me to go to the therapist or I'll stop going so I have to find someone nearby home or work. Hypnotherapy works well for me to shut off my self-critical conscious mind. Sometimes I wish I could just hypnotize myself out of my problems! Ha ha! Maybe I should ask...

I'm getting up to make the call to a therapist near my work now. I can't let this get too much farther out of control. Depression sucks.


  1. Elise, I am hearing you. I am having an EDS flare up and today is hard !!! I just want to rest but life doesn't allow that. I don't know if it's a positive or negative for me. I too take antidepressants for anxiety issues and sometimes think if I didn't HAVE to deal with my kids, business and hubby I would let too much slide. All this responsibility doesn't let me get the rest I need though. I have just been grumpy today 'cos I'm tired and can't get past it. I have two kids with EDS and sometimes I wonder how they are ever going to deal with life as well. Take care and make sure you make that appointment a priority today. Kathy

  2. Hi Kathy,
    Thanks for your post. I do think if I had kids, my life with depression would be different. It's necessarily different as a married woman than being single, too. I have to worry about how I am affecting others instead of allowing myself to let the house go until I feel better, or sleep and stay in pjs for entire weekends (wait, I already do that! No, it's worse than my EDS mess).
    Sometimes it feels good to be grumpy, but not all the time. Just plain irritable and snappy. Not fun. I'm used to being that way with myself, but not acting out on my husband - not fair.
    I forgot to call the therapist and you reminded me. Thanks! The one I called is full, but I am waiting for a referral from a friend on another one. I hate going to someone random. Too many bad experiences. My goal is to have something set up for next week.
    I hope you are feeling better today. Do you take Vit D? A friend mentioned to me that Vit D can help with depression (amongst other things). I was taking it for a long time because of low levels (thank EDS), but ran out and forgot to get some more. I wonder if that is partly to do with this funk. Check it out.
    I also purchased a book today called the DNA of Relationships, by Dr. Smalley(?). I hear it's good and hope there is something useful in it. Have you heard of it?
    Thanks for the e-thoughts and sending some hugs backatcha.