"Women who are sick..."

I was reading Laurie Edward's blog "A Chronic Dose: A Chronic Illness Blog" and found her post "On Work and Chronic Illness". In the post, she links to an article that I then read and excerpted from below.

"Women who are sick find themselves in a triple bind: unable to excel at their career because they are sick; unable to take good care of their health because they are working; unable to quit because they need the health insurance they can get only through a job." From "Ill in a Day's Work" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa

Wow, did that thought hit home! I work in a job, not a career. I'd love to go back to school to get a teaching certificate and Master's degree in Intercultural Education. The economy is the primary reason I am not moving forward with classes part time, but the ultimate issue holding me back is can I do it? Classes are not the problem; I worry about the teaching internship and student teaching a whole class. Tutoring and small groups are more my style but gotta jump through the hoops first. Then inertia seems to take over when I am not feeling good -- everything seems overwhelming and the daily grind at ye ole desk job is something I can always fall back on (helps that my boss lets me sleep in or work from home sometimes).

Just thinking of leaving this job sets off tons of stress. Yet working full time is painful. I think I mentioned in a previous post that my productivity at work is ~20% these days. I don't think I'd qualify for disability but my quality of life definitely suffers because I don't get enough rest.

I carry our health and dental insurance through work. My love is self-employed and he pays the majority of the big bills. He used to have his own health insurance but it was so expensive and he could get on my work policy for peanuts. It's the least I can do to handle our insurance and try to keep the house from complete disaster (easier said than done!).

Ever get the feeling that life is a trap? This point is where I have to give to God and trust that I will be where I am needed most. Sigh...

End of February update

February is a short month to begin with but it just FLEW by!

I've been wanting to post but have had various reasons why that hasn't happened:
1) feel crummy - shoulder, feet, fatigue
2) brain fog is worse than usual - really can't concentrate or follow logical steps in completing tasks
3) work has been sapping all my energy
4) worked on a project for the EDNF
5) visited family two weekends in a row
6) feel crummy

Here are the topics I've wanted to post on but haven't had energy to:
1) no more tape for me
2) anxiety about shoulder surgery - how to avoid it
3) brain fog - depression? pain? Vit D? not anemia
4) summary of interesting article about changes in the brain from chronic pain
5) sad about not having my own child
6) thinking about the future - education, healing ministry, disability

I can't think of anything else at the moment. I just want to go home. It seems like I get maybe 2 productive hours out of the 8 at work these days. Not such a good average. Sigh.

Hugs to everyone I love and to those I've only just met.